Sunday, January 18, 2009

One of those days

Yes, this is going to be a beatdown, depressing post. So, feel free to turn back now.

Today is one of those days. I hate my life, I hate the Navy, I hate that I am the one that has to deal with everything. I sit here and look at my children and ask myself, "Why in the hell did I think it was going to be ok to raise these kids without a father?" No, I know they have one. Eric is a wonderful father and a fantastic husband. But, he isnt here. He is an email every couple of days, a picture on the wall, and dirty clothes in the basket. He is a voice on voicemail, a save game file on the Playstation and an empty spot in the bed. Yet, I love him more than I thought possible. I just hate that I have to do this alone. Find a house, sign the lease, pack up this house, move to the new house, sell the Jeep, sell the Kia, transfer Emali's school file, take Alvin to Yale, take Alvin to Cranial Tech, take Alvin to other random appointments, try to find SOME time to spend with Erin. Housetrain the dog, take the cats to get spayed, call housing to argue that we are eligible for a move, etc etc etc.

I know I can do it. Its not that. I want Eric to be a part of it. I want him to be here. I want a husband, not a part time husband. So, today, I sit here and wallow. Yes, its a funk. It will pass as fast as it has come. But, for right now. I despise the Navy. I despise being away from my family. I want a normal life. Then again, maybe I dont. I dont know. Just right now, I want my husband home.